Initially, I considered this bluster to be a factor of everyday life and likewise; have accepted it as a common ground amongst my peers.  But let’s not stray from the point too quickly!  When you hit up your friend, neighbor, or coworker and hear the statement, “Hey!  Leave a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as I am able,” from their voice mail greeting, why do you insist on not keeping up with your end of the arrangement.

Naturally, one might question my tact and logic behind the question, “keep up with your end of the deal,” but it is very simple.  When you call my personal cell phone or land line, you typically hear something to the effect of, “You have reached the voice mailbox of Justin Shattuck and I am currently unable to accept your call; however if you would leave me a detailed message including:  your telephone number, name, best method for getting back in touch with you; and any other important details concerning your call, I will get back to you at my earliest convenience.”

Seems simple enough right?  I am asking you for a specific amount of information and I am giving you a nice outline for educating yourself during future phone relationships that end up with your petty self in their voice mail box.  You are likely receiving my voice mail because I do not wish to speak to you — in fact I am actually busy is unlikely.  But, let’s for the sake of argument simply say that I am busy.  So what do you do?  It is supposed to be as simple as you leaving me your damn name, phone number, email address, or even a postal address to write you back.  If you left me a message stating that the best contact method to reach you was via snail mail, I would respect that.

I would also ask that you respect my position within the current state of our society and all the beautiful technology around us and say F! that.  I’m not going to send you a voice mail but I definitely believe you should at least give me a fair amount of information via voice mail.

On another note, you giving me the message, “Hey, just seeing what’s up call me back.”  The likelihood you are calling me to see what the heck is up with me is very unlikely and flat out bogus.  If you were truly friends with me, you would likely already know what I am up to.

This does not apply to you Robb, because we play phone tag daily and honestly, you usually always know what I am up to — you actually pay attention to detail!

However, for the rest of you, keep reading and pay attention.  There is nothing more annoying than a useless voice mail with little to no information.  If you cannot take the time to think about why you called me, giving me reason whether or not to return your call; and at least have the decent mannerisms to make sure I have your number.. do not ever call me or anyone else for that matter.

You see, when you call someone, they (more-so-than-not) have caller id, that magical service that shows who you are before I answer the phone..  You see, when you ring me up, I decide immediately (using my clever technology mechanisms on my nifty iPhone) whether or not to answer.  I obviously see that you gave me a ring, so you do not need to leave me a message saying, “Hey call me back,” because I already know this much.  It just annoys me and turns me into a big green monster that wants to punch you in the throat.

On a different note, voice mails at the office typically go along the same routine.  Not enough information to work with and just enough lack of information to make me want to start throwing knives and killing clowns with my bare hands.  Let’s use our brains people, preferably the side of the brain that actually stimulates creativity and makes you want to do something out of the ordinary to get me to return your call.  In my line of work, not only is your message important, but the voice mail you leave me is often the method I use for first impressions.  If you sound boring and unruly over the telephone, I will likely not return your call, but outsource you to one of the many folk in third-world-countries.

I could continue down this path of severe unrighteousness but I am busy, trying to return phone calls for individuals who refuse to leave voicemails that meet my criteria and here I am returning them!  I swear, one of these days I am going to stop!  Good day!