The other day, I am pulling into the Kroger parking lot to make a quick milk (and ice cream even though it was not on the list) run for my wife. In my search for that up close spot that is 5 feet away from that spot that is just too far away, I go down my favorite isle to find a parking spot right towards the front! It’s my lucky day! I don’t have to exert the extra energy that it takes to walk 20 feet thanks to this incredibly close white line, rectangle home for my truck. I turn the corner and what do I find? A grocery cart sitting in the middle of the parking spot.

You have to be freaking kidding me? What is it about people that make them believe that this kind of behavior in a modern society is acceptable? Why do they think that they are so incredibly awesome that the rules of normal grocery cart usage does not apply to them? Do they really think it is ok to leave their empty grocery cart in a parking spot and drive away when the kind people at Kroger have made a metal enclosure built for grocery cart containment just 15 feet away from your parking spot? To make matters worse…the grocery store has made MULTIPLE stations that their sole purpose is to contain these roll-able, car denting, space taking carts so that you do not have to make your lazy ass walk too far away from your motor vehicle.

Remember the days when there wasn’t a metal containment area and you had to walk the cart all the way back into the store? I swear that we have more rogue carts now than we did then and this is all on the heals of trying to make cart return an easier process. I really have a hard time believing that the general population is still that selfish. What goes through the head of a typical consumer as they leave their empty cart in a parking spot. Are they just too lazy to walk? Do they think they are above the rules? Or do they just not care?

I hope that karma steps in and every time they leave a grocery cart in a parking lot their next trip to the grocery store is going to include a rogue cart leaving a huge scratch and dent on their car. Sooner or later…they would have to get annoyed enough and put 2 and 2 together. We could change the behavior of one selfish ass one dent at a time until their beautiful BMW looks like a beater.

The ATM is a modern marvel. Now…the lucky consumer can walk or drive up to this incredible machine, insert a plastic card and cash pops out quickly and easily! Its really amazing if you think about it. The idea is getting eager, cash spenders out of the bank and into their own self-checkout line to handle simple tasks that normally clogged the system inside the precious doors of the bank. Where else can you go and get cash that easily…or at least it is supposed to be…

The Infamous ATM Waiting Line

Why is it that we have this incredible machine that is supposed to make our lives easier in search of the incredible green paper that brings us happiness only to find frustration and disappointment as we continually have to deal with individuals who can’t seem to think?! It never fails…every time I run to the ATM to pull out a Jackson or two…there is one of two people at the ATM who decide to hold up the entire line…making what should have been a quick trip that brought money bliss into a frustrating 20 minute long event.

1 – The Annoying ATM Banker

I bet you know exactly who I am talking about before I even get into this rant. This ellusive ATM banker has decided that they are going to perform the following functions at the ATM instead of going into the bank because getting out of their car on their lunch hour on a Wednesday just sounds like too much work.

• Make 3 deposits with checks that are not filled out or in envelops, so they are going to do it in their vehicle while everyone else waits patiently.
• Make a separate withdrawal out of that same account.
• Check the balance of the checking account and the savings account by getting print outs.
• Oh wait…I have three other accounts that I have to do the same thing with during this “short” trip to the ATM!

Are you serious? Your actions require 20 minutes of work (if you were ready and you aren’t)! Everyone else…who just needs to grab some lunch money so they can hopefully stop into Wendy’s, shove down some fat filled, triple cheeseburger bliss and rush back to their office just in time to be 5 minutes late…has to wait for your inconsiderate ass to slowly take your time making 34 transactions at a station that is supposed to be fast!

There should be a timer on every ATM that only allows you 5 minutes of banking time before your card is sucked in and you have to go inside to retrieve it. At that point in time, they are going to charge you a 10 dollar admin fee for being a jerk.

2 – Help! This is as hard as Chinese algebra!

Now…I am pretty sure that everyone past the age of 12 has used an ATM more times than they can count. You would think…that with all of this practice…we wouldn’t have ATM users that still get up there and get confused by the prompts. They have made the ATM literally idiot proof, so why are there still ATM users out there that have to go through a million screens searching for the FAST CASH button? It’s on the first screen! Hit the button, select 20 bones and move on your way! It’s not that difficult but for some reason…these pure geniuses of society can’t seem to get it right no matter how many times they walk up to the 12×12 inch touch screen and number pad.

Do we need to inact an ATM test and if you fail…the card just goes into the machine and never comes out? Nah…probably not…then they would just stand there pushing random buttons just taking up more of people’s time that they don’t have.

Question: What is the only job on this planet that you can be wrong 99.9% of the time and not get fired?

Answer: A Weatherman

It amazes me on a daily basis. How can you be so wrong and get paid so well of it? Rewind to 1993. The northern half of the state of Georgia is enjoying a regular week in March. Like most winter/spring transitions in the southeast United States, there is NO SNOW. We are lucky to get even enough to dust the ground during the winter…much less anything that actually sticks. The weatherman on March 12th forecasts light rain as we head into the night. What do we wake up to the next morning? One of the largest blizzards in the countries history! Not even close man! Seriously?

We see it on a daily basis.

• You are leaving the house in the morning with the expectation of a nice day because you watched the weather channel that morning and about noon…the sky falls and you have no umbrella.
• Better cancel the weekend plans at the lake! Joe Schmoe the weatherman says its going to be raining all day. Half way through a beautiful Saturday afternoon you realize that you could have gone to the lake and today is a waste!

I know of no other job on this planet (maybe a DMV worker) where you can be wrong this much and keep your job. On top of that, you are paid well above the median wage to complete your task! Can you imagine going to a restaurant expecting your food to be wrong most of the time and being ok with that? How about only getting a car that actually runs 7 out of 10 times you purchase an automobile? What if you could to to work everyday and not worry about being wrong? Then…when you were wrong…you got a raise! The madness has to stop!

You would think…if we can put a man on the moon in 1969, we would be able to figure out the weather in 2009! You can have better results by standing next to a window and taking a look for yourself…

I am going to piss off just about every cat owner out there with this article…but I DON’T CARE! I hate your outside cat! Last night, I am sitting with my wife trying to enjoy a nice dinner. Our two Boxers are blissfully playing in our fenced in backyard…did I mention it was fenced in? Ok…just making sure. All of the sudden, my 75 pound male, Hans, is losing his f’in mind. He is barking and running all over the backyard. As I walk outside to see what all of the ruckus is about and to stop him from barking (I am one of those neighbors who KEEPS his dogs from annoying everyone else in the ‘hood), I notice that he is now jumping on the fence that he doesn’t think he can clear! You know…because the reason we have a fenced in backyard is to keep our pets from annoying/bothering/etc. the rest of the neighborhood.

What could be causing all of this mess? An outside cat! Of course! There is a cat on the top of my fence post that is a pet of someone else in the neighborhood, and it is driving my dogs…who are in their own backyard…absolutely crazy. Why on earth do people get a pet and then expect the rest of the world to just put up with it? What makes them think that I wanted a cat as a pet too? I don’t want a cat as a pet. If I wanted a cat, I would have gone out and got one! Instead…YOUR CAT is in MY FENCED IN BACKYARD causing problems! To make matters worse…I am allergic to cats! So you can understand my frustration when your cat wants to call my house home!

When you decide to have a pet, you take that on the responsibility to make sure that your pet does not annoy the rest of the neighborhood. We don’t live in a farm out in the middle of no where that pets can just roam free without causing major problems. We live in a busy neighborhood in the ‘burbs of Atlanta (have to use a little ‘hotlanta lingo every now and then!). You are lucky that I have enough of a conscience that I don’t let my two Boxers eat your cat! Instead…I now have to interrupt my nice dinner by taking the dogs inside and shoo off your “pet” from my backyard.

Now…I know there are a select few dog people out there that make their dogs the top of the world and a very few amount of those let their dogs roam around like they own the place. However, what is it about cat owners that make them think it is ok to let their cats just roam all over the place? Every neighborhood I have ever lived in has had several outside cats that call the entire place home. The madness has to stop! There is no such thing as an outside or inside cat! You got a pet…now act like it!

You know the voice well…it’s the friendly, computerized woman on the other end of the line that is going to peacefully guide you through the never ending maze of your favorite automated phone menu system. Yes…as you listen to this friendly voice tell you to press 4 to go no where, you start to get irate at a person that doesn’t actually exist! So why do companies send you through this endless crusade to see if you can actually touch every button on your phone during a single phone call? To take away from the customer service experience…dwindling down the agents that can ACTUALLY HELP YOU to the point that they are overworked, underpaid and now…unreachable!

This ultra smart computerized menu system has no clue what you actually need. To make matters worse, many of these systems are voice activated through keywords that it can’t understand when you are…you know…out in public where there is background noise!

Computerized Beauty: “If you need need help with your claim, please say claim department.”

You: “Claim Department”

Computerized Beauty: “From your answer, you need the New Customer Sign Up Department, if this is correct…say yes…if this is incorrect…say no”

You: “No”

Computerized Beauty: “Please speak the department that you need assistance with”

You: “Claim Department”

Computerized Beauty: “You have selected Account Management. If this is correct…say yes…if this is incorrect…say no”

You: “AAAAHHHHH! Just give me the f’in claim department!!!!!”

Computerized Beauty: “We did not understand your selection. Please repeat the department in which you need assistance.”

It never fails, in corporate America’s attempt to become more efficient they completely mess up the entire system and find a way to create a more expensive, less effienct alternative! Well…I take some of that back…it is cheaper…

I have to give credit where credit is due. Whoever thought up of this idea is a genius if you really think about it. Let’s take the average consumer and convince them that is it a great idea to do a job that we used to do for them! You go through your local grocery store picking up your favorite food items of the week. You notice that you do not have that many processed food fun, so you head to this glorious area known as the self checkout line. In this marvelous area, you get to play checkout clerk! You know…that hourly wage, high school job that you always wanted but never had. So you go up and wait in line at this fantastic source of personal fulfillment and realize that there are others…just like you…that want to partake in the joy of doing a job that you have zero experience in!

In front of you…you have…Mr. I Am Impatient. He came to this do your own work area with a full cart of a months worth of groceries! He truly believes that checking his own items out is much faster than waiting behind two people in line. Of course it is..with his unbelievable scanning and bagging speed of 2 items a  minute. He would be already on his quest for the scanning and bagging championship, but he is still waiting on the “I don’t know how to use a touch screen” lady who is stuck on the payment screen with no idea how to get past it.

And there you are…with 5 small food items just trying to get out of the store, so what do you do? You switch over to another line hoping that you have some kind of bagging expert that will get done fast enough so that you can get home to watch The Family Guy. As you switch into another line, you just get more annoyed to find out that the mom in front of you thinks that it would be a fun game to let the 5 year old son check out her groceries! Fantastic! Isn’t child labor outlawed in the United States?!

Finally…you make it up to the checkout center and you start scanning your delicious food items. You scan “BEEP” and you set it in the bag. Wait…can’t move onto the next piece of taste bud bliss…the weight pad didn’t recognize your last piece of culinary art! Here comes the self checkout helper employee with their super annoyed “can you really not scan and place?” face on ready to scan their card and override your gigantic food scanning mistake.

After all of this…you finally get your receipt and head out the door 10 minutes later than you would have been if you had just gotten in line and enjoyed some small talk with a checkout cashier. What do you get for doing your own work? Nothing! No 5% off for working at Publix for 15 minutes…no “thank you” for contributing to the cost reduction for the company…all you get is the extreme annoyance of going to work when you want to purchase something!

I want to enact a 10% discount to all self checkouters who get out in an efficient manner. I believe its earned since you were actually put to work!

Ahhh…your local expert on everything. You know this individual very well. He honestly believes that no matter what room he is in…he is the smartest man in that room on everything. Have a subject that you think he can’t handle? Ha! He laughs in the face of your stupidity with completely wrong facts and figures that he is going to convince you are real and true. There is no subject on this Earth that he can’t handle. This self proclaimed expert has the arrogance and ego that only a man of his stature can possess. Only a man as great as he has the right to think this highly of himself. How dare you question is reasoning or thoughts? Don’t you realize that you are at the bottom of the totem pole? This man is so good that he doesn’t need experience, knowledge or a brain cell to be right…he is just blessed with all knowing knowledge about everything!

The most dangerous part about these extremely talented and intelligent individuals is that…in most cases…they know a little bit about nothing. That’s right…these same people that believe they are the smartest people in every room…most likely…are the dumbest! They have zero experience, knowledge or results on anything they ever talk about! I truly believe that their ego and arrogance steps in and doesn’t let them ever be unknowing. These same people are making uneducated decisions in life and the workplace. Most likely…they are too proud to ever ask for help and if you even hint that they are doing it wrong or that they may need help…then they are on a mission to prove you wrong and incompetent in some other area to relieve the heat off themselves.

These “experts on the world” rarely complete tasks or come up with any idea that works. They will…however…steal your idea as their own and run to the first person they can find and take credit! How nice of them…now you can do all of the work still and they get the “great job” from the boss for coming up with such a fantastic idea!!!

So…what do we do with these self proclaimed experts in every field? Misinformation…

The quickest way to get any self proclaimed expert off your back is by using misinformation. You see…everything you tell these genius minds has to be played off as their own, so if you give them things like made up works, incorrect procedures or random untrue facts, they are going to play these ideas as their own and look like a complete idiot in the process! Will this stop their arrogance and ego? Hell no…but it will keep them off your back for awhile and give you a nice laugh when you hear your made up word come up in conversation. After all…they can’t blame you because they are the expert on everything!

This situation blows my mind every time I am presented with such blatant rudeness out of an employee. This morning, I headed out to a Wal-Mart in Brevard, NC. I had to pick up a couple of simple things for my afternoon…2 gig SD card and some Energizer Lithium AAA batteries. Sounds easy right? This should be a simple, painless task no matter which Wal-Mart you visit in the continental United States…wrong! Why? Because the cashier that IS PAID to do her job decided that she didn’t really want to work this morning. It doesn’t matter that she being paid to be there and perform a service. She would rather continue blowing gigantic gum bubbles and pretend that you…the customer…is not even there!

Now…let me start this story with one very clear fact. I am an excellent customer. Why…you ask? I walk through the door of Wal-Mart knowing exactly what I need and exactly where to find it. I am not a customer that is filled with thousands of meaningless questions in the search of all-knowing knowledge. I am also not that customer that has all the answers and feels the need to educate the employees on my vast greatness of superior intellect. I am that simple customer that knows what he wants and would like to get in and out as quickly and easily as possible. In today’s instant gratification society…I don’t think that is too much to ask.

So here I am…you model customer that you wish and pray on a daily basis that there would be more of in this world…walking to the electronics department of Wal-Mart. I find my batteries in the freestanding battery stand (where they always are) and I head to the photo section for the memory card. This is where the whole experience starts.

Upon further inspection of the memory card placeholders, it was evident that this Wal-Mart kept the memory cards behind the photo counter. I politely handed the display card to the lady in the electronics section and asked if she could get one for me. Grabbing the card out of my hand with a loud exhale, this model employee blew a HUGE gum bubble, popped it and headed behind the counter. With a HUGE amount of attitude, she asked, “Are you sure this is the one you want?” No…I gave you the one I didn’t want just to quiz you to see if you could read my mind. Yes…that is the one I want! Why would I give it to you if it wasn’t?! Instead of losing my cool, I politely said “Yep…that’s the one.”

She basically throws the correct card in my hand and walks off. I then…when I should have just quit while I was behind…asked another truly invading, inappropriate question to this paid employee…”Can I check out right here?” Ah…that just ruined her morning. With a huge gasp she said…”Yes…I guess so.” She blows more HUGE bubbles and starts to check me out with my overload of two items. What happens after I use my card to check out that requires absolutely no effort on her end? The receipt prints out…and she just walks off…leaving my receipt hanging from the machine and my bag behind the counter. Are you serious??? I have to do this myself!

I don’t think I am asking too much of this attitude filled, PAID employee. Is it really too much to ask these days to expect people to do their job? Are we really to the point where it is a favor to the customer to do what is expected of you? If I was the manager of that Wal-Mart, I would consider that kind of action grounds for termination…

I was sitting with some friends outside of Wild Wing one night last year when I saw the infamous…I can find a closer spot driver. This guy…who obviously thought very highly of is Nissan 350Z…circled the parking lot over 14 times before finally settling in and parking his fine piece of automotive genius (j/k to all of you 350Z owners…its a cool car…just not quite “I need to take up multiple spots” cool). This is an example of a driver who just can’t stop until they find a parking spot closer to the front door. At least…in this instance…I can at least relate. We try to park close when we have the bikes racked to prevent theft, so maybe he just wanted to make sure that no one was going to scratch his precious baby.

The version of this driver that completely annoys me is the lazy driver. It’s that driver who just can’t stand walking 4 spots more to the front door. They hate it so much that they will waste 20 minutes of their day looking for this fabulous, perfect parking spot when they could have parked 5 spaces down and would have already been in the store! It cracks me up every time. Are you seriously that lazy that you can’t stand walking that much farther? Is it really that important to you to find a closer spot that you will waste 15 minutes to find something that saves you 30 seconds?

It really says something about American society as a whole when we have multiple drivers in one parking lot participating in this act of stupidity. I think it would actually do a lot of people a lot of good to get out and walk a little bit more. Maybe…you could put down your cell phone, the Big Mac and stop yelling at your kids for 2 seconds to realize that you would actually save more time during the day if you were not so freakin’ lazy! Get out of the car and walk an extra 10 steps a day!

As you watch these parking spot snobs circle aimlessly around in search of the holy grail of motor vehicle storage lines, it is funny to watch their faces as they get frustrated when spaces are taken that would have been perfect in their mind. They pass up 4 spaces before that point that would have been just as good, but they can not stop in their quest for the perfect upfront spot.

These same drivers brag to their friends and family about the spot they found at the mall, grocery store or local Wal-Mart. They wear these fantastic positions of achievement as a badge of courage as they run their next errand in search of parking bliss. No one on Earth could possibly have the luck they do in crowded parking areas…because they are just that good. No you aren’t! You just work really hard for something that…in the end…does not really matter!

There should be a 2 circle rule. If you circle 2 times and can’t find a closer spot, you have to take the next available that you pass. If you circle more than 2 times, you will be forced to part at the end of the parking lot and walk carrying weights on your back all the way to the front door!

To the ladies out there, you may never have to worry about this one, but for us guys…there is always that one guy who decides that the perfect time to strike up conversation is while you are doing your business.

So there you are…relieving yourself of your daily liquid intake. You are probably thinking about the tasks of the day, where you want to go next or just thankful that you made it to the restroom on time. You hear the door open and another man in search of self release enters the restroom. It might be a crowded restroom day or you are the only two performing this function at this point in time…regardless…it doesn’t matter. Without even skipping a beat, this guy picks out his urinal of choice, gets started doing his thing and then it comes…”Hey man, how’s it going?”

Are you serious? Can’t you see I am busy?! What on God’s green Earth makes you think that I want to have a full blown conversation with a complete stranger while I am holding myself going to the bathroom? I had my blank stare at the wall already going and I might have even progressed to the glaring at the ceiling pose. Both of these body language gestures point to the fact that I do not want to strike up causal urinal conversation. To make matters worse, this public restroom conversation starter want eye contact while you are engaging in this act of total bewilderment. Gross! Why the hell are you not looking forward? Proper men’s public restroom etiquette is to look forward at all times. There is no reason to look side to side at all. Are we really that close after only knowing each other a total of 4 seconds? I don’t know if I ever want to be that close to someone that we feel comfortable enough to talk during excretion.

To all of those public restroom urinal talkers, please be a little bit more patient. I have no problem with small talk during the washing of the hands point in sequence. During that time, we can even have conversation eye contact through the mirror. I am ok with that, but while I am doing my busiess of the day…leave me alone! This is not a time to ask how my day is going, if I am enjoying the weather, etc. It is a time to get a project complete and move on to the rest of my day. Anything more than that…is just plain creepy.