The other day, I am pulling into the Kroger parking lot to make a quick milk (and ice cream even though it was not on the list) run for my wife. In my search for that up close spot that is 5 feet away from that spot that is just too far away, I go down my favorite isle to find a parking spot right towards the front! It’s my lucky day! I don’t have to exert the extra energy that it takes to walk 20 feet thanks to this incredibly close white line, rectangle home for my truck. I turn the corner and what do I find? A grocery cart sitting in the middle of the parking spot.

You have to be freaking kidding me? What is it about people that make them believe that this kind of behavior in a modern society is acceptable? Why do they think that they are so incredibly awesome that the rules of normal grocery cart usage does not apply to them? Do they really think it is ok to leave their empty grocery cart in a parking spot and drive away when the kind people at Kroger have made a metal enclosure built for grocery cart containment just 15 feet away from your parking spot? To make matters worse…the grocery store has made MULTIPLE stations that their sole purpose is to contain these roll-able, car denting, space taking carts so that you do not have to make your lazy ass walk too far away from your motor vehicle.

Remember the days when there wasn’t a metal containment area and you had to walk the cart all the way back into the store? I swear that we have more rogue carts now than we did then and this is all on the heals of trying to make cart return an easier process. I really have a hard time believing that the general population is still that selfish. What goes through the head of a typical consumer as they leave their empty cart in a parking spot. Are they just too lazy to walk? Do they think they are above the rules? Or do they just not care?

I hope that karma steps in and every time they leave a grocery cart in a parking lot their next trip to the grocery store is going to include a rogue cart leaving a huge scratch and dent on their car. Sooner or later…they would have to get annoyed enough and put 2 and 2 together. We could change the behavior of one selfish ass one dent at a time until their beautiful BMW looks like a beater.

I am browsing through my Facebook miscellaneous time wasters the other day and as I am checking out the status time line to see who is doing what. All of the sudden, I see something very strange in the right sidebar. Do you want to become a fan of sleeping? Interesting…who isn’t a fan of sleeping? At some point in time in our lives we are all a fan of sleeping. It seems kind of odd to have a whole page dedicated to all that is sleep and its pure greatness in this world. I didn’t think much of it and moved on to commenting random thoughts of pure genius on other people’s wall o’ thoughts.

Again, I come back to the home screen to check on more status updates because in our instant information world…we have to know what everyone is doing right then or we will lose our freakin’ minds. On my right column there is a new box…do you want to become a fan of Jesus? Are you serious? Did Jesus really come down and say…

You know what? I am having kind of a slow day. I’ll create a Facebook fan page!

Does it make me sacrilegious do not become a fan of Jesus? On that day where all of my life decisions come into question at the pearly gates of heaven, am I not going to gain entrance into eternal bliss because I didn’t become a fan on Facebook?

I’m sorry Robb. We would love to let you in, but you never became a fan of me. You had your chance man…sorry!

Are people going to think differently of me if I don’t become a fan? What if I hold those beliefs but don’t want to profess them on Facebook? After 5 minutes of the internal mind/thought circling…I let it go and went about my business. Then it hit…

• Do you want to become a fan of God?
• Do you want to become a fan of the beach?
• Do you want to become a fan of I need a vacation?
• Do you want to become a fan of I love sleep (not just sleep like before).

This is insanity and it needs to stop! What happened to becoming a fan of sports teams or tv shows? Do I really have to be a fan of everything I like in life or can I just enjoy it and move on? Whoever is creating all of these fan pages needs to have their keyboard taken away….

Do you want to be 1 of 3,404,204 people that are a fan of “I need a vacation”?

We all  know this kind…the one that would rather do it himself than have someone that actually knows what they are doing complete the job. He asks you on a regular basis “why pay someone else when I can do it myself? How hard could it be?” This master plumber, electrician, auto mechanic and wood worker would rather do the job 5 times wrong spending 3 times as much money than suck up his pride for 3 freakin’ seconds and pay someone to do the job correctly or actually take the time and effort to ask someone who knows what they are doing. This ingenious worker really does believe that a 12 pack of Budweiser and a little elbow grease can conquer even the most difficult jobs without the aid of actual knowledge of the subject at hand. It doesn’t have to last for forever…just long enough to show the wife that I was actually smart enough to complete the job! I’ll show her who the man in the house is! How dare she roll her eyes at me and say, “yeah…suuuureeee you can do it. I’ll get the yellow pages ready…”

The Story Behind This Rant

So we bought this house…it is a great house and I am happy with 99.9% of it. We had a incredible inspection done before purchasing (by the head of the inspection agency) so the vitals are all correct and in tact. I would not have even bought the house if I thought there was something wrong with it or if it was going to be more than a slight annoyance that I would have to fix. There are just a couple of things…especially in the garage…that you look at with one of those WTF moments. What the hell was he thinking when he did this? Are you serious? You call these cabinets? Why are there 30 joints in a 9 foot stretch of copper tube?! Running wiring on the outside of drywall? That doesn’t even make sense! Time to gut and start over!

It is my belief that you should have a license to do it yourself. There should be some sort of test that you have to pass before you can purchase more than 5 tools at one time or any tool above $100. That way…when someone goes to actually use whatever you have tried to ruin, the damage will not be as bad as it could be. There is absolutely nothing more annoying that having to redo the work of others and this would be drastically reduced with the introduction of a do-it-yourself’er test. I can only imagine what experts think when these do-it-yourself experts have them fix what they have spent hours messing up. Once you pass the test…you are good to go! If you fail…no tools for you! And no…if you fail the test, you can not park in the handicap parking spots at Home Depot, so don’t even ask!

It actually annoys me that I am even writing this piece of filth…but I’ll do it anyway because it has a bigger meaning…I promise. Britney Spears needs to just go away. We have all seen her escapades, bad music and general bad taste for long enough. Britney Spears actually proves the theory that you can “take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.” At this point, she is nothing more than a leach on society and her mere existence is categorized by the general public’s need to watch horrific train wrecks. She hasn’t put out a single song in longer than I can remember that actually has any talent or worth. If it wasn’t for her name, it wouldn’t have even been signed to a record deal.

Now…this is all information that we already know and hate, so why am I writing an article on whatannoys.me about something so obvious and in your face? The real reason that Britney Spears annoys the absolute hell out of me is because there are actual, impressionable little teenage girls (and younger) that are looking up to this piece of trash! That’s right…your daughter too! Britney Spears exemplifies the new Hollywood role model. In the age of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and all of these other no talent nothings, America’s children are bombarded with utter crap and these drug addicted, self centered, sluts become what these small innocent girls want to be when they grow up. Now…I know this is a mass generalization and there are great yound woman out there that do not like this mess and their are other woman in the media that do not release this same vibe…but you have to admit…it is a growing trend that is getting out of control.

When does it stop? When does the general public stand up and say this isn’t right? Never…you know why? Money…this wrecks on society sell papers, advertising and everything else related to the media because the reader standing in line to buy their groceries is more interested in who they slept with that week than what is actually going on in the real world. So…Britney Spears…go back to where you came from…the rest of us that don’t want our future children to be scantly dressed whores would like it if you just went away. To all of the parents out there…man up and make sure that you don’t breed another waste on the rest of us by condoning and encouraging this kind of hero worship to someone who has nothing to look up to other than money.

If we can learn anything from the unhappy, rich like Britney Spears…its that money does not by happiness. You can be rich and happy, but you have to be happy with yourself…

I have to give credit where credit is due. Whoever thought up of this idea is a genius if you really think about it. Let’s take the average consumer and convince them that is it a great idea to do a job that we used to do for them! You go through your local grocery store picking up your favorite food items of the week. You notice that you do not have that many processed food fun, so you head to this glorious area known as the self checkout line. In this marvelous area, you get to play checkout clerk! You know…that hourly wage, high school job that you always wanted but never had. So you go up and wait in line at this fantastic source of personal fulfillment and realize that there are others…just like you…that want to partake in the joy of doing a job that you have zero experience in!

In front of you…you have…Mr. I Am Impatient. He came to this do your own work area with a full cart of a months worth of groceries! He truly believes that checking his own items out is much faster than waiting behind two people in line. Of course it is..with his unbelievable scanning and bagging speed of 2 items a  minute. He would be already on his quest for the scanning and bagging championship, but he is still waiting on the “I don’t know how to use a touch screen” lady who is stuck on the payment screen with no idea how to get past it.

And there you are…with 5 small food items just trying to get out of the store, so what do you do? You switch over to another line hoping that you have some kind of bagging expert that will get done fast enough so that you can get home to watch The Family Guy. As you switch into another line, you just get more annoyed to find out that the mom in front of you thinks that it would be a fun game to let the 5 year old son check out her groceries! Fantastic! Isn’t child labor outlawed in the United States?!

Finally…you make it up to the checkout center and you start scanning your delicious food items. You scan “BEEP” and you set it in the bag. Wait…can’t move onto the next piece of taste bud bliss…the weight pad didn’t recognize your last piece of culinary art! Here comes the self checkout helper employee with their super annoyed “can you really not scan and place?” face on ready to scan their card and override your gigantic food scanning mistake.

After all of this…you finally get your receipt and head out the door 10 minutes later than you would have been if you had just gotten in line and enjoyed some small talk with a checkout cashier. What do you get for doing your own work? Nothing! No 5% off for working at Publix for 15 minutes…no “thank you” for contributing to the cost reduction for the company…all you get is the extreme annoyance of going to work when you want to purchase something!

I want to enact a 10% discount to all self checkouters who get out in an efficient manner. I believe its earned since you were actually put to work!

A new disease is sweeping the nation. As you look around the room, you may be able to see it spreading as you read. You might even be engaging in the spread of this virus as you read this post on your phone while others are breathing and interacting around you. This new disease that is sweeping America The World is the Phone Addiction.

What is the phone addiction? Do you have friends that would rather type away texting, emailing or web browsing instead of spending quality time with their friends  or family? Are you ignoring those around you to read this incredibly interesting post on daily annoyances on your phone totally unaware of what is going on around you? Is someone in the room texting another person in that same room?! Then you might have been affected by the disease known as Phone Addiction.

All joking aside…this plague that is taking over the world is extremely annoying! Last night, we were all out having a great dinner (I only touched my phone about a dozen times…) and we saw it…one of the worst cases I have ever seen. This guy had his iPhone mounted on his hip with the ear phones routed up under his shirt and into his ears…while he was out to dinner with his wife! My wife would have had me for dinner if I tried to pull some crap like that!

As we go through life and our daily lives, we are running into more of those people who can’t even put down the phone long enough to perform simple actions. The surgically enhanced to their hand cell phone user can no longer be put their ball and chain away for events like running on a treadmill, driving, riding a bike, etc. If you are on a treadmill talking, texting or emailing you don’t need to be on the treadmill in the first place! How on Earth can you be working hard enough to build up a sweat and texting at the same time?! You can’t! So put down the phone and actually work out, or get off and let someone else…who wants to actually burn some calories…have a turn.

These unique and plagued individuals can not put their cell phone down for even a 10 minute period. In today’s instant gratification/information society, this phone addicted individual cannot go 10 minutes without some kind of technological input. They are like Johnny 5 at the library…”need more input, need more input!”, constantly on the search for that next friend to text, email to send or web page to browse. Yes…this person is ignoring you and your interesting human conversation to interact with a media device. The interpersonal relationship is gone in lue of cyberspace. This person would rather interact with a electronic device instead of joining the real world for come engaging conversation.

As this plague continues to spread across the world, it makes me wonder…what is next? How bad could this disease actually get? In the near future, there will be texting dates where you don’t even have to actually talk to your date anymore. It will be nothing but a string of texts that provide the human interaction between you and your possible life mate. “It was so great…we stayed up all night long just texting.”

As you go through your day today, watch those around you…if you aren’t careful…it just might spread to you too! And once this virus gets a hold of your well-being, there is no stopping it…you too will have your cell phone surgically enhanced to your hand, never to be separated again. Welcome to the bug-eyed world of cell phone addiction.

This has to be my #1 most annoying thing right now. How the hell did a woman like this ever get even the chance to have this many children (14 total)??!! She couldn’t even afford the kids she already had! Now…she is spending our hard earned tax money that we slave day in and day out to pay to the government to fuel her insanity. I don’t need a job to take care of all of these kids…I’ll just beg and have the government pay for it! Fantastic idea! Take hard working people’s money!

You have probably already read all of the headlines and news stories about the request for donations and other madness surrounding this waste of space, leach on society, so I am not going to bore you with the details of events you already know. I am going to tell you the two reasons that this waste of a life annoys me the most which hasn’t been publicly announced as far as I can find. Every news story so far has centered around her website (don’t ask for the link) and her want to buy new things with all of her government money.

Why this waste of space annoys infuriates me…

1. The kids of this psychopath had no choice in who their mother was. In the end, they are all going to end up being more products of the system and hopefully…10% of them will actually enter into homes that will be beneficial to their lives. The rest are going to be another statistic which is extremely sad. And why are we going to have more children put into government placement programs? Because one dumb bitch wanted more kids for no f’in reason and a doctor with no competence on what life actually means…did the procedure.
2. Now…the thing that annoys me the most about this woman who is breathing oxygen that could be used by other productive members of society…but instead it is wasted on her worthless being…is that there are couples out there that would give everything they have at even getting the chance to have children of their own. They would mortgage there house, sell all of their possessions, dance at a trucker convention or do anything else just for the chance to bear children. Then…this piece of human garbage…parades around the news with total and complete stupidity. It is a slap in the face to all of those couples out there who would be incredible parents.

There should be something put in place to make sure that this train wreck never happens again. The doctor who actually did the procedure should be stripped of all licenses and strung up in a tree for the rest of his life. Of course…I am just fueling the madness by posting about it. It really needs to be just dealt with and go away so the rest of us can go back to worrying about politics, the economy, what we want for lunch, when we have to take our next piss…

A friend of mine and I were tweeting (you can follow this site @whatannoys_me) the other day about the huge annoyances we run into throughout the day, and this one brought some great laughs. The popped collar is one of those fashion trends that needs to die a slow and painful death. Seriously…who the hell even though of something so ridiculous as making your shirt collar point up? What evil genius thought…you know how I can make people walk around looking like complete idiots and at the same time they think they look like the coolest kid on the block? I know…I’ll make them put their collar to their shirt straight up in the air! Genius!!

So…how can you too walk around and look this ridiculous? It is pretty easy actually. All you really have to do is take the collar that you are used to wearing folded over and point it up! Never has it been so easy to look like a complete idiot! Now…you do have a chance for some serious bonus points, so pay attention very closely.

Bonus Cool Points in Popping the Collar Fashion

• Anything in pastel colors.
• Polo Brand
• Multiple shirts, all popped in matching pastels from Polo (double bonus points on this one and triple points if you go above 3 shirts)

If you combine any of these with the following, you get extra cool points as well:

• Aviator sunglasses
• Spiked hair with frosted tips
• Plaid shorts
• A hat that should be thrown away at this point and may actually have something growing in it other than your ego

When you look as cool as these guys do, life is great! You can have a whole new outlook on life as you conquer the ladies and wear that stupid ass grin on your face everywhere you go. Everywhere you go, you have a new confidence because you know that you are the coolest guy there. Everyone wants to be like you. They gaze from afar wondering if they are even worthy of talking to such a supreme being. How can one person have this much fashion sense? How can they even hang out with us mere mortals. We should all wish that we were as fortunate as you…the popped collar wearer…because most of us can’t make a fashion statement like that look so good. Hopefully…one day…I will be cool enough to make my collar defy gravity. One can only hope…until then…I’ll be boring and wear my normal sunglasses, my normal colors and my normal gravity challenged collar.

Initially, I considered this bluster to be a factor of everyday life and likewise; have accepted it as a common ground amongst my peers.  But let’s not stray from the point too quickly!  When you hit up your friend, neighbor, or coworker and hear the statement, “Hey!  Leave a detailed message and I will return your call as soon as I am able,” from their voice mail greeting, why do you insist on not keeping up with your end of the arrangement.

Naturally, one might question my tact and logic behind the question, “keep up with your end of the deal,” but it is very simple.  When you call my personal cell phone or land line, you typically hear something to the effect of, “You have reached the voice mailbox of Justin Shattuck and I am currently unable to accept your call; however if you would leave me a detailed message including:  your telephone number, name, best method for getting back in touch with you; and any other important details concerning your call, I will get back to you at my earliest convenience.”

Seems simple enough right?  I am asking you for a specific amount of information and I am giving you a nice outline for educating yourself during future phone relationships that end up with your petty self in their voice mail box.  You are likely receiving my voice mail because I do not wish to speak to you — in fact I am actually busy is unlikely.  But, let’s for the sake of argument simply say that I am busy.  So what do you do?  It is supposed to be as simple as you leaving me your damn name, phone number, email address, or even a postal address to write you back.  If you left me a message stating that the best contact method to reach you was via snail mail, I would respect that.

I would also ask that you respect my position within the current state of our society and all the beautiful technology around us and say F! that.  I’m not going to send you a voice mail but I definitely believe you should at least give me a fair amount of information via voice mail.

On another note, you giving me the message, “Hey, just seeing what’s up call me back.”  The likelihood you are calling me to see what the heck is up with me is very unlikely and flat out bogus.  If you were truly friends with me, you would likely already know what I am up to.

This does not apply to you Robb, because we play phone tag daily and honestly, you usually always know what I am up to — you actually pay attention to detail!

However, for the rest of you, keep reading and pay attention.  There is nothing more annoying than a useless voice mail with little to no information.  If you cannot take the time to think about why you called me, giving me reason whether or not to return your call; and at least have the decent mannerisms to make sure I have your number.. do not ever call me or anyone else for that matter.

You see, when you call someone, they (more-so-than-not) have caller id, that magical service that shows who you are before I answer the phone..  You see, when you ring me up, I decide immediately (using my clever technology mechanisms on my nifty iPhone) whether or not to answer.  I obviously see that you gave me a ring, so you do not need to leave me a message saying, “Hey call me back,” because I already know this much.  It just annoys me and turns me into a big green monster that wants to punch you in the throat.

On a different note, voice mails at the office typically go along the same routine.  Not enough information to work with and just enough lack of information to make me want to start throwing knives and killing clowns with my bare hands.  Let’s use our brains people, preferably the side of the brain that actually stimulates creativity and makes you want to do something out of the ordinary to get me to return your call.  In my line of work, not only is your message important, but the voice mail you leave me is often the method I use for first impressions.  If you sound boring and unruly over the telephone, I will likely not return your call, but outsource you to one of the many folk in third-world-countries.

I could continue down this path of severe unrighteousness but I am busy, trying to return phone calls for individuals who refuse to leave voicemails that meet my criteria and here I am returning them!  I swear, one of these days I am going to stop!  Good day!

This is one of those annoying things that I am elated that I never have to do again. First dates are one of the most annoying things on the planet. Recently, I was sitting in Starbucks just typing away on my MacBook Pro when I noticed a couple sitting several chairs away from me. This couple was obviously not too far away from the “hi, my name is Frank” stage. All of the uncomfortable first date signs were there.

• Random stupid questions like “so what do you do?”
• The man could not get comfortable and find his “I look cool by sitting like this” pose. Instead he was trying to figure out where to put his hands…which came off as looking uncomfortable.
• She could not get that “I’m really listening” smile off her face. I think it was actually stuck there for the rest of the night.
• Continuous small talk that had no real destination.
• I am pretty sure both of them were shaking uncontrollably.
• Fake interest in subjects that they have no experience in to keep the conversation running.

Like I said…all of the first date signs were there. I was actually feeling uncomfortable for them! We have all been down that road and it is why some people keep on putting up with annoying companions just so they do not have to go through that first date ever again.

The entire time you are on a first date, you have so many thoughts running through your head that the entire night is a blur.

He is probably thinking…

• Does she really like me or is she just being nice?
• Should I go for the hug or the kiss? What if I miss? Will she think I am a dork if I miss? What if she doesn’t want me to? Maybe I should just order dinner first…
• Am I going to get lucky? Maybe…I need to…it’s been awhile…
• If I ask for her number is she going to give it to me?
• Is she really having fun or just saying she is to get through the night and I am going to be “that guy” that she tells all her girlfriends about?
• I shouldn’t have worn this shirt…I’ll put my hands here…no here…no here…I’ll just lean back…no forward…to the left…no the right…I CAN’T MAKE UP MY MIND!
• She looks nothing like that picture on the Internet.

She is probably thinking…

• Is he just being nice to me to get in my pants?
• Why is he moving all over the place?
• Is he going to go for the kiss or the hug? What if I miss? Is he going to think I am stupid if I miss? What time is he picking me up again?
• I hate this place…”yeah…this place is great!”
• He looks nothing like that picture on the Internet.

The first date I was watching actually go to the point where she said this…

“Wow…this place is really nice inside” It’s freakin’ Starbucks…they are all the same! I could not watch it anymore as I was physically uncomfortable for both of them. Thankfully, I convinced a lucky woman that it was a good idea to marry me (joke is on her…sorry babe!) and I never have to go through that uncomfortable situation ever again. To all of those out there who do…I’m sorry…I feel for you! First dates have to be one of the most annoying, uncomfortable situations on the planet.