Ahhh…your local expert on everything. You know this individual very well. He honestly believes that no matter what room he is in…he is the smartest man in that room on everything. Have a subject that you think he can’t handle? Ha! He laughs in the face of your stupidity with completely wrong facts and figures that he is going to convince you are real and true. There is no subject on this Earth that he can’t handle. This self proclaimed expert has the arrogance and ego that only a man of his stature can possess. Only a man as great as he has the right to think this highly of himself. How dare you question is reasoning or thoughts? Don’t you realize that you are at the bottom of the totem pole? This man is so good that he doesn’t need experience, knowledge or a brain cell to be right…he is just blessed with all knowing knowledge about everything!

The most dangerous part about these extremely talented and intelligent individuals is that…in most cases…they know a little bit about nothing. That’s right…these same people that believe they are the smartest people in every room…most likely…are the dumbest! They have zero experience, knowledge or results on anything they ever talk about! I truly believe that their ego and arrogance steps in and doesn’t let them ever be unknowing. These same people are making uneducated decisions in life and the workplace. Most likely…they are too proud to ever ask for help and if you even hint that they are doing it wrong or that they may need help…then they are on a mission to prove you wrong and incompetent in some other area to relieve the heat off themselves.

These “experts on the world” rarely complete tasks or come up with any idea that works. They will…however…steal your idea as their own and run to the first person they can find and take credit! How nice of them…now you can do all of the work still and they get the “great job” from the boss for coming up with such a fantastic idea!!!

So…what do we do with these self proclaimed experts in every field? Misinformation…

The quickest way to get any self proclaimed expert off your back is by using misinformation. You see…everything you tell these genius minds has to be played off as their own, so if you give them things like made up works, incorrect procedures or random untrue facts, they are going to play these ideas as their own and look like a complete idiot in the process! Will this stop their arrogance and ego? Hell no…but it will keep them off your back for awhile and give you a nice laugh when you hear your made up word come up in conversation. After all…they can’t blame you because they are the expert on everything!

This situation blows my mind every time I am presented with such blatant rudeness out of an employee. This morning, I headed out to a Wal-Mart in Brevard, NC. I had to pick up a couple of simple things for my afternoon…2 gig SD card and some Energizer Lithium AAA batteries. Sounds easy right? This should be a simple, painless task no matter which Wal-Mart you visit in the continental United States…wrong! Why? Because the cashier that IS PAID to do her job decided that she didn’t really want to work this morning. It doesn’t matter that she being paid to be there and perform a service. She would rather continue blowing gigantic gum bubbles and pretend that you…the customer…is not even there!

Now…let me start this story with one very clear fact. I am an excellent customer. Why…you ask? I walk through the door of Wal-Mart knowing exactly what I need and exactly where to find it. I am not a customer that is filled with thousands of meaningless questions in the search of all-knowing knowledge. I am also not that customer that has all the answers and feels the need to educate the employees on my vast greatness of superior intellect. I am that simple customer that knows what he wants and would like to get in and out as quickly and easily as possible. In today’s instant gratification society…I don’t think that is too much to ask.

So here I am…you model customer that you wish and pray on a daily basis that there would be more of in this world…walking to the electronics department of Wal-Mart. I find my batteries in the freestanding battery stand (where they always are) and I head to the photo section for the memory card. This is where the whole experience starts.

Upon further inspection of the memory card placeholders, it was evident that this Wal-Mart kept the memory cards behind the photo counter. I politely handed the display card to the lady in the electronics section and asked if she could get one for me. Grabbing the card out of my hand with a loud exhale, this model employee blew a HUGE gum bubble, popped it and headed behind the counter. With a HUGE amount of attitude, she asked, “Are you sure this is the one you want?” No…I gave you the one I didn’t want just to quiz you to see if you could read my mind. Yes…that is the one I want! Why would I give it to you if it wasn’t?! Instead of losing my cool, I politely said “Yep…that’s the one.”

She basically throws the correct card in my hand and walks off. I then…when I should have just quit while I was behind…asked another truly invading, inappropriate question to this paid employee…”Can I check out right here?” Ah…that just ruined her morning. With a huge gasp she said…”Yes…I guess so.” She blows more HUGE bubbles and starts to check me out with my overload of two items. What happens after I use my card to check out that requires absolutely no effort on her end? The receipt prints out…and she just walks off…leaving my receipt hanging from the machine and my bag behind the counter. Are you serious??? I have to do this myself!

I don’t think I am asking too much of this attitude filled, PAID employee. Is it really too much to ask these days to expect people to do their job? Are we really to the point where it is a favor to the customer to do what is expected of you? If I was the manager of that Wal-Mart, I would consider that kind of action grounds for termination…

Ah…the infamous co-worker that is so confident in their abilities that they really believe that the company would just fall apart without their abundance of value and commitment. You know this worker. He is probably sitting over your shoulder right now telling you any or all of the following:

• How he knows everything.
• How busy he is.
• How his boss doesn’t know what he is talking about.
• How he would do everything differently and it would be soo much better!
• How hard he works.
• How no one else can do what he does.
• One of his fantastic “if it wasn’t for me…” stories.
• The list goes on and on…

And what is this model employee doing while he is telling you all of this invaluable information? He is planning the next encounter with another co-worker to give them all of this fantastic knowledge! In other words…nothing! If these employees would spend half the amount of time actually working instead of telling everyone how great they are…they might actually deliver on a few of the promises that they broadcast all over the world!

This is one of those annoying co-workers that really believe their value to the company is like no one else’s. If they ever decide to walk out that door, everything is going to fall apart and this incredible firm that built itself up before they even thought about applying for the job will crumble and file chapter 11 with this absence of this employees marvelous intellect.

It makes me laugh every time. Guess what invaluable employee…the company was doing fine before you…and it will probably be better off without you! So you can save your incredibly fascinating stories about how great you are…and attempt to get some actual work done.

I am not sure what really causes this need to publicly display one’s greatness to the world. Maybe it is insecurity in their own true value…maybe they don’t wear the pants in the family at home…maybe they have extremely low self worth and feed off the praise and acceptance of others…maybe they like to put other people down to feel better about themselves…I don’t know. All I do know is…it is absolutely annoying to listen to someone tell you how great they are and how hard they work (harder than you will ever understand) on a daily basis! How can you be working so hard if all you are doing is telling me how hard you work?

You are right…this place will just fall apart without you…so Mr. I Am So Great…why don’t you just leave and quit annoying the rest of us?!

Everyone knows one  of these people. They just can’t seem to do ANYTHING quietly. Every move, every word and every action in their life has to be at a volume that just isn’t acceptable to the world around them.

You are having a nice quiet cup of coffee at the office trying to clear your brain as you get ready for the day. Maybe its spring and you can hear the birds chirping outside. All of the sudden…SLAM! GOOD MORNING!!!…COUGH! SNEEZE!…HOW ARE YOU?! That’s right…your loud coworker is here to disrupt the entire office! Great! Just what I was looking forward to this morning! Worse yet, all of that noise came from the complete other side of the office. He hasn’t even really made it over your way yet, and to add a cherry to this sundae…his office is right across from yours! Now you get to listen to the obnoxious speaker phone conversations and annoying music that you hate all day long! It doesn’t get much better than this…

We all have at least one of these people in our lives. They can not do any action in their daily lives without it being LOUD and ANNOYING! There is a total lack of awareness of the events going on around them…or even worse…they just don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you are on an important phone conversation, they will come up and try to have a loud conversation right next to you.

So…thank you loud, abnoxious guy…for disrupting the peace in our daily lives and keeping companies like Advil in business.

Without you…

• We would have that peace and quiet that we hate so much.
• We would be able to complete those thoughts that we never wanted to finish.
• We wouldn’t know that you can actually shake the Earth out of orbit with a simple sneeze.
• We wouldn’t know you were still breathing without your constant sighs.
• We wouldn’t know that you want your wife to Tivo The Office as we check out in the grocery store.
• Without you…life would be boring…

Yeah right…quiet down! You are getting on my freaking nerves!!!