There you are…driving in a crowded parking lot. You aren’t looking for the closest space in the lot…just any space so that you can park and go about your business for the day. As you turn around the next mindless row of motor vehicle transportation, you see the rudest move a parking space participant can ever make…taking up more than one space. Are you serious? What makes these inconsiderate asses think they have the right to take up multiple spots in a crowded parking lot? Why do the lines that we live by not apply to these fortunate individuals? Is their car really that important that it needs multiple spots or are they just that lazy and inconsiderate? What makes this driver so special that they feel the need to break the rules that the rest of us live by? Thank you Mr. I Can’t Park My Car Correctly…you make me lose even more faith in the human race because you have absolutely no care for anything else in this world but yourself.

There is an RX8 at our local Wild Wing that feels the need to take up exactly two spaces every time he parks. He actually has the nerve to run the line right down the center of his vehicle perfectly taking up both spots evenly. If there was only something we could do to this arrogant individual who is too cool for the rules of society. Tow his car? Deflate his tires? Siphon his gas? I would love to do all of them at once, but you know what would happen? You would get penalized and prosecuted when he was in the wrong to begin with! In a society that we punish those that play by the rules…you would just be fueling the problem even more. So what do we do? Cuss under our breath or to family and friends and go about our day…

I can only wonder what their coloring books looked like in grade school. Were they too cool to play by the rules then too?

I was sitting with some friends outside of Wild Wing one night last year when I saw the infamous…I can find a closer spot driver. This guy…who obviously thought very highly of is Nissan 350Z…circled the parking lot over 14 times before finally settling in and parking his fine piece of automotive genius (j/k to all of you 350Z owners…its a cool car…just not quite “I need to take up multiple spots” cool). This is an example of a driver who just can’t stop until they find a parking spot closer to the front door. At least…in this instance…I can at least relate. We try to park close when we have the bikes racked to prevent theft, so maybe he just wanted to make sure that no one was going to scratch his precious baby.

The version of this driver that completely annoys me is the lazy driver. It’s that driver who just can’t stand walking 4 spots more to the front door. They hate it so much that they will waste 20 minutes of their day looking for this fabulous, perfect parking spot when they could have parked 5 spaces down and would have already been in the store! It cracks me up every time. Are you seriously that lazy that you can’t stand walking that much farther? Is it really that important to you to find a closer spot that you will waste 15 minutes to find something that saves you 30 seconds?

It really says something about American society as a whole when we have multiple drivers in one parking lot participating in this act of stupidity. I think it would actually do a lot of people a lot of good to get out and walk a little bit more. Maybe…you could put down your cell phone, the Big Mac and stop yelling at your kids for 2 seconds to realize that you would actually save more time during the day if you were not so freakin’ lazy! Get out of the car and walk an extra 10 steps a day!

As you watch these parking spot snobs circle aimlessly around in search of the holy grail of motor vehicle storage lines, it is funny to watch their faces as they get frustrated when spaces are taken that would have been perfect in their mind. They pass up 4 spaces before that point that would have been just as good, but they can not stop in their quest for the perfect upfront spot.

These same drivers brag to their friends and family about the spot they found at the mall, grocery store or local Wal-Mart. They wear these fantastic positions of achievement as a badge of courage as they run their next errand in search of parking bliss. No one on Earth could possibly have the luck they do in crowded parking areas…because they are just that good. No you aren’t! You just work really hard for something that…in the end…does not really matter!

There should be a 2 circle rule. If you circle 2 times and can’t find a closer spot, you have to take the next available that you pass. If you circle more than 2 times, you will be forced to part at the end of the parking lot and walk carrying weights on your back all the way to the front door!

Some of you might not be aware of this, but the Mexican population has a special way of pimpin’ out their rides. This does not apply to all and there are some of them out there that know how to do it right…but the vast majority in our area could write “How To Butcher A Car For Dummies”.

I honestly do not know what the root cause is, but if they go into an auto parts store and see any sticker that has flames, a Nike check logo, chrome bolt on parts or wheels that don’t actually fit their car…they HAVE TO BUY IT. It is something in their nature that makes that a must have item for their early ’90′s Honda. They just can’t go without it!

So what makes up the Mexican Guide to Car Customization?

• Clear/Euro Styled Taillights
• Unpainted Ground Effects (matching the car model is not the preferred method)
• Flame Stickers
• CD’s Hanging from the Rear View Mirror
• Any Picture of Mary or Jesus (preferably painted)
• Holographic Tented Windows
• Mismatched Colors and Parts
• Wheels and Tire Combo’s that don’t match the car and are the wrong size
• Your name in huge letters on the windshield
• Anything chrome
• Painted mural of your car performing a task…on your car!

Long story short, if you are going to mimic this design style…you need to perfect the art of bad taste. It truly baffles me how they can take a decent looking car and turn it into a jumbled, bolt on infested mess! You have to completely ignore if the part is made for your model of car or not and completely surrender to mismatching bliss. There is never a spot that should not be filled with some sort of sticker or chrome piece. Your car is your pallet…create!

I have had an idea for awhile that would make a million dollars if I ever ran with it. I should buy a container load of clear/euro styled tail lights for early ’90′s Honda Accords and sell them for cash in Mexican neighborhoods. They would be gone in a day and I would have enough cash for the government to take 1/2 and I would still make out!

So what started the idea of this site and the whole premis behind it? Something that annoys the absolute hell out of me! I know…big surprise given the domain name.

So I am driving down 400 south this morning and I come across that typical sideways driver. What is a sideways driver you might ask? They are one of the most annoying creatures on the planet when you are driving in periods of high traffic.

A sideways driver pays more attention to the drivers next to them…instead of the ones in front of them! These drivers are those ignorant, unaware drivers that insist on going the same speed as the car next to them in traffic completely unaware of what they are creating by leaving a gigantic gap in their lane.

So what is the end result? You get this unaware driver in the far left lane not paying attention to what is going on around them. The space between their car and the one in front of them continues to grow. You then change lanes and maneuver your way around so that you can pass this selfishness and what do you get for your trouble? A dirty look from the driver that wasn’t paying attention to begin with!!!

As others find your infinite passing wisdom as a great idea, they are now darting to the right as well causing even more of a mess. It is pure road hazard craziness as the driver who started it all goes on oblivious!

If traffic is really bad, you have everyone in the world inching forward to get in front of this super intellect putting you further and further down the line.

So what should we do to punish this kind of road behavior?

I think we should be permitted to bump draft and inact a rule where they should be put into the wall. It’s time to bring back old school Nascar racing. Bump drafting would speed the whole line up and slamming their oblivious ass into the wall would prevent future behavior. What do you think?