The ATM is a modern marvel. Now…the lucky consumer can walk or drive up to this incredible machine, insert a plastic card and cash pops out quickly and easily! Its really amazing if you think about it. The idea is getting eager, cash spenders out of the bank and into their own self-checkout line to handle simple tasks that normally clogged the system inside the precious doors of the bank. Where else can you go and get cash that easily…or at least it is supposed to be…

The Infamous ATM Waiting Line

Why is it that we have this incredible machine that is supposed to make our lives easier in search of the incredible green paper that brings us happiness only to find frustration and disappointment as we continually have to deal with individuals who can’t seem to think?! It never fails…every time I run to the ATM to pull out a Jackson or two…there is one of two people at the ATM who decide to hold up the entire line…making what should have been a quick trip that brought money bliss into a frustrating 20 minute long event.

1 – The Annoying ATM Banker

I bet you know exactly who I am talking about before I even get into this rant. This ellusive ATM banker has decided that they are going to perform the following functions at the ATM instead of going into the bank because getting out of their car on their lunch hour on a Wednesday just sounds like too much work.

• Make 3 deposits with checks that are not filled out or in envelops, so they are going to do it in their vehicle while everyone else waits patiently.
• Make a separate withdrawal out of that same account.
• Check the balance of the checking account and the savings account by getting print outs.
• Oh wait…I have three other accounts that I have to do the same thing with during this “short” trip to the ATM!

Are you serious? Your actions require 20 minutes of work (if you were ready and you aren’t)! Everyone else…who just needs to grab some lunch money so they can hopefully stop into Wendy’s, shove down some fat filled, triple cheeseburger bliss and rush back to their office just in time to be 5 minutes late…has to wait for your inconsiderate ass to slowly take your time making 34 transactions at a station that is supposed to be fast!

There should be a timer on every ATM that only allows you 5 minutes of banking time before your card is sucked in and you have to go inside to retrieve it. At that point in time, they are going to charge you a 10 dollar admin fee for being a jerk.

2 – Help! This is as hard as Chinese algebra!

Now…I am pretty sure that everyone past the age of 12 has used an ATM more times than they can count. You would think…that with all of this practice…we wouldn’t have ATM users that still get up there and get confused by the prompts. They have made the ATM literally idiot proof, so why are there still ATM users out there that have to go through a million screens searching for the FAST CASH button? It’s on the first screen! Hit the button, select 20 bones and move on your way! It’s not that difficult but for some reason…these pure geniuses of society can’t seem to get it right no matter how many times they walk up to the 12×12 inch touch screen and number pad.

Do we need to inact an ATM test and if you fail…the card just goes into the machine and never comes out? Nah…probably not…then they would just stand there pushing random buttons just taking up more of people’s time that they don’t have.

We all  know this kind…the one that would rather do it himself than have someone that actually knows what they are doing complete the job. He asks you on a regular basis “why pay someone else when I can do it myself? How hard could it be?” This master plumber, electrician, auto mechanic and wood worker would rather do the job 5 times wrong spending 3 times as much money than suck up his pride for 3 freakin’ seconds and pay someone to do the job correctly or actually take the time and effort to ask someone who knows what they are doing. This ingenious worker really does believe that a 12 pack of Budweiser and a little elbow grease can conquer even the most difficult jobs without the aid of actual knowledge of the subject at hand. It doesn’t have to last for forever…just long enough to show the wife that I was actually smart enough to complete the job! I’ll show her who the man in the house is! How dare she roll her eyes at me and say, “yeah…suuuureeee you can do it. I’ll get the yellow pages ready…”

The Story Behind This Rant

So we bought this house…it is a great house and I am happy with 99.9% of it. We had a incredible inspection done before purchasing (by the head of the inspection agency) so the vitals are all correct and in tact. I would not have even bought the house if I thought there was something wrong with it or if it was going to be more than a slight annoyance that I would have to fix. There are just a couple of things…especially in the garage…that you look at with one of those WTF moments. What the hell was he thinking when he did this? Are you serious? You call these cabinets? Why are there 30 joints in a 9 foot stretch of copper tube?! Running wiring on the outside of drywall? That doesn’t even make sense! Time to gut and start over!

It is my belief that you should have a license to do it yourself. There should be some sort of test that you have to pass before you can purchase more than 5 tools at one time or any tool above $100. That way…when someone goes to actually use whatever you have tried to ruin, the damage will not be as bad as it could be. There is absolutely nothing more annoying that having to redo the work of others and this would be drastically reduced with the introduction of a do-it-yourself’er test. I can only imagine what experts think when these do-it-yourself experts have them fix what they have spent hours messing up. Once you pass the test…you are good to go! If you fail…no tools for you! And no…if you fail the test, you can not park in the handicap parking spots at Home Depot, so don’t even ask!

There you are…driving in a crowded parking lot. You aren’t looking for the closest space in the lot…just any space so that you can park and go about your business for the day. As you turn around the next mindless row of motor vehicle transportation, you see the rudest move a parking space participant can ever make…taking up more than one space. Are you serious? What makes these inconsiderate asses think they have the right to take up multiple spots in a crowded parking lot? Why do the lines that we live by not apply to these fortunate individuals? Is their car really that important that it needs multiple spots or are they just that lazy and inconsiderate? What makes this driver so special that they feel the need to break the rules that the rest of us live by? Thank you Mr. I Can’t Park My Car Correctly…you make me lose even more faith in the human race because you have absolutely no care for anything else in this world but yourself.

There is an RX8 at our local Wild Wing that feels the need to take up exactly two spaces every time he parks. He actually has the nerve to run the line right down the center of his vehicle perfectly taking up both spots evenly. If there was only something we could do to this arrogant individual who is too cool for the rules of society. Tow his car? Deflate his tires? Siphon his gas? I would love to do all of them at once, but you know what would happen? You would get penalized and prosecuted when he was in the wrong to begin with! In a society that we punish those that play by the rules…you would just be fueling the problem even more. So what do we do? Cuss under our breath or to family and friends and go about our day…

I can only wonder what their coloring books looked like in grade school. Were they too cool to play by the rules then too?

Ahhh…your local expert on everything. You know this individual very well. He honestly believes that no matter what room he is in…he is the smartest man in that room on everything. Have a subject that you think he can’t handle? Ha! He laughs in the face of your stupidity with completely wrong facts and figures that he is going to convince you are real and true. There is no subject on this Earth that he can’t handle. This self proclaimed expert has the arrogance and ego that only a man of his stature can possess. Only a man as great as he has the right to think this highly of himself. How dare you question is reasoning or thoughts? Don’t you realize that you are at the bottom of the totem pole? This man is so good that he doesn’t need experience, knowledge or a brain cell to be right…he is just blessed with all knowing knowledge about everything!

The most dangerous part about these extremely talented and intelligent individuals is that…in most cases…they know a little bit about nothing. That’s right…these same people that believe they are the smartest people in every room…most likely…are the dumbest! They have zero experience, knowledge or results on anything they ever talk about! I truly believe that their ego and arrogance steps in and doesn’t let them ever be unknowing. These same people are making uneducated decisions in life and the workplace. Most likely…they are too proud to ever ask for help and if you even hint that they are doing it wrong or that they may need help…then they are on a mission to prove you wrong and incompetent in some other area to relieve the heat off themselves.

These “experts on the world” rarely complete tasks or come up with any idea that works. They will…however…steal your idea as their own and run to the first person they can find and take credit! How nice of them…now you can do all of the work still and they get the “great job” from the boss for coming up with such a fantastic idea!!!

So…what do we do with these self proclaimed experts in every field? Misinformation…

The quickest way to get any self proclaimed expert off your back is by using misinformation. You see…everything you tell these genius minds has to be played off as their own, so if you give them things like made up works, incorrect procedures or random untrue facts, they are going to play these ideas as their own and look like a complete idiot in the process! Will this stop their arrogance and ego? Hell no…but it will keep them off your back for awhile and give you a nice laugh when you hear your made up word come up in conversation. After all…they can’t blame you because they are the expert on everything!

A new disease is sweeping the nation. As you look around the room, you may be able to see it spreading as you read. You might even be engaging in the spread of this virus as you read this post on your phone while others are breathing and interacting around you. This new disease that is sweeping America The World is the Phone Addiction.

What is the phone addiction? Do you have friends that would rather type away texting, emailing or web browsing instead of spending quality time with their friends  or family? Are you ignoring those around you to read this incredibly interesting post on daily annoyances on your phone totally unaware of what is going on around you? Is someone in the room texting another person in that same room?! Then you might have been affected by the disease known as Phone Addiction.

All joking aside…this plague that is taking over the world is extremely annoying! Last night, we were all out having a great dinner (I only touched my phone about a dozen times…) and we saw it…one of the worst cases I have ever seen. This guy had his iPhone mounted on his hip with the ear phones routed up under his shirt and into his ears…while he was out to dinner with his wife! My wife would have had me for dinner if I tried to pull some crap like that!

As we go through life and our daily lives, we are running into more of those people who can’t even put down the phone long enough to perform simple actions. The surgically enhanced to their hand cell phone user can no longer be put their ball and chain away for events like running on a treadmill, driving, riding a bike, etc. If you are on a treadmill talking, texting or emailing you don’t need to be on the treadmill in the first place! How on Earth can you be working hard enough to build up a sweat and texting at the same time?! You can’t! So put down the phone and actually work out, or get off and let someone else…who wants to actually burn some calories…have a turn.

These unique and plagued individuals can not put their cell phone down for even a 10 minute period. In today’s instant gratification/information society, this phone addicted individual cannot go 10 minutes without some kind of technological input. They are like Johnny 5 at the library…”need more input, need more input!”, constantly on the search for that next friend to text, email to send or web page to browse. Yes…this person is ignoring you and your interesting human conversation to interact with a media device. The interpersonal relationship is gone in lue of cyberspace. This person would rather interact with a electronic device instead of joining the real world for come engaging conversation.

As this plague continues to spread across the world, it makes me wonder…what is next? How bad could this disease actually get? In the near future, there will be texting dates where you don’t even have to actually talk to your date anymore. It will be nothing but a string of texts that provide the human interaction between you and your possible life mate. “It was so great…we stayed up all night long just texting.”

As you go through your day today, watch those around you…if you aren’t careful…it just might spread to you too! And once this virus gets a hold of your well-being, there is no stopping it…you too will have your cell phone surgically enhanced to your hand, never to be separated again. Welcome to the bug-eyed world of cell phone addiction.

To the ladies out there, you may never have to worry about this one, but for us guys…there is always that one guy who decides that the perfect time to strike up conversation is while you are doing your business.

So there you are…relieving yourself of your daily liquid intake. You are probably thinking about the tasks of the day, where you want to go next or just thankful that you made it to the restroom on time. You hear the door open and another man in search of self release enters the restroom. It might be a crowded restroom day or you are the only two performing this function at this point in time…regardless…it doesn’t matter. Without even skipping a beat, this guy picks out his urinal of choice, gets started doing his thing and then it comes…”Hey man, how’s it going?”

Are you serious? Can’t you see I am busy?! What on God’s green Earth makes you think that I want to have a full blown conversation with a complete stranger while I am holding myself going to the bathroom? I had my blank stare at the wall already going and I might have even progressed to the glaring at the ceiling pose. Both of these body language gestures point to the fact that I do not want to strike up causal urinal conversation. To make matters worse, this public restroom conversation starter want eye contact while you are engaging in this act of total bewilderment. Gross! Why the hell are you not looking forward? Proper men’s public restroom etiquette is to look forward at all times. There is no reason to look side to side at all. Are we really that close after only knowing each other a total of 4 seconds? I don’t know if I ever want to be that close to someone that we feel comfortable enough to talk during excretion.

To all of those public restroom urinal talkers, please be a little bit more patient. I have no problem with small talk during the washing of the hands point in sequence. During that time, we can even have conversation eye contact through the mirror. I am ok with that, but while I am doing my busiess of the day…leave me alone! This is not a time to ask how my day is going, if I am enjoying the weather, etc. It is a time to get a project complete and move on to the rest of my day. Anything more than that…is just plain creepy.

My wife and I are Cold Stone Creamery freaks! Really…it’s a problem and I seriously think we keep the one down the street from our house in business. When you go to Cold Stone for ice cream, you expect a little bit of a wait. Not a big deal really…you get up there, order your ice cream, watch them mix all the sugary greatness together and go about your lives happier with a bowl of delicious ice cream in your hand.

Not too long ago, we ran into a couple of ladies that were taking their kids out for ice cream. Great…they are getting their kids out, enjoying the nice day and having fun out together…so where did it go wrong? They are COMPLETELY those people in line. Their conversation with each other is more important than making sure that they…and their kids…are not a nu sense to everyone around them.

This is how the story goes…

We are waiting in line for no less than 15 minutes. The two ladies and their kids are standing in front of the ice cream selection for 10 of these 15 minutes directly in front of us. Do they ask their kids want kind of ice cream they want during this long wait? Of course not! They wait until it is their turn in line and turn to their 5 kids and decide that this is the perfect time to hash out exactly what kind of ice cream all of their kids would like to consume that afternoon. What happened to common courtesy and a simple realization of the events that are taking place around you?

All these friends had to do was ask their kids what kind of ice cream they wanted BEFORE their helpful ice cream mixer was ready for their order. They had 10 minutes to do it! So now…the rest of the impatient line has to listen to them argue with their kids about their ice cream selection further prolonging the wait.

So that makes these two ladies…THOSE PEOPLE…in line. Those people in line are ones that have absolutely zero want or need to realize what is going on around them. They are normally extremely inefficient, annoying, inconsiderate and clueless. Almost every line in the world has one and the madness has to stop. Next time you are in line…do your part by being prepared!

Everyone knows one  of these people. They just can’t seem to do ANYTHING quietly. Every move, every word and every action in their life has to be at a volume that just isn’t acceptable to the world around them.

You are having a nice quiet cup of coffee at the office trying to clear your brain as you get ready for the day. Maybe its spring and you can hear the birds chirping outside. All of the sudden…SLAM! GOOD MORNING!!!…COUGH! SNEEZE!…HOW ARE YOU?! That’s right…your loud coworker is here to disrupt the entire office! Great! Just what I was looking forward to this morning! Worse yet, all of that noise came from the complete other side of the office. He hasn’t even really made it over your way yet, and to add a cherry to this sundae…his office is right across from yours! Now you get to listen to the obnoxious speaker phone conversations and annoying music that you hate all day long! It doesn’t get much better than this…

We all have at least one of these people in our lives. They can not do any action in their daily lives without it being LOUD and ANNOYING! There is a total lack of awareness of the events going on around them…or even worse…they just don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you are on an important phone conversation, they will come up and try to have a loud conversation right next to you.

So…thank you loud, abnoxious guy…for disrupting the peace in our daily lives and keeping companies like Advil in business.

Without you…

• We would have that peace and quiet that we hate so much.
• We would be able to complete those thoughts that we never wanted to finish.
• We wouldn’t know that you can actually shake the Earth out of orbit with a simple sneeze.
• We wouldn’t know you were still breathing without your constant sighs.
• We wouldn’t know that you want your wife to Tivo The Office as we check out in the grocery store.
• Without you…life would be boring…

Yeah right…quiet down! You are getting on my freaking nerves!!!